When my son was in kindergarten, I used to dread play dates. Everything would be fine until it was time to leave. My son would cry, whine, bargain for more time, and refuse to get in the car. The last straw was when his grandfather went to pick him up. Grandfather found him hiding in a closet, and had to carry him to the car, crying. Something, obviously, had to be done!

Punishment & Reward
Dr. Montessori believed that using rewards & punishment inhibits the development of self-discipline. Rewards and punishment deny children the opportunity to make their own decisions and to be responsible for their own behavior. Rather than learning how to analyze situations and make wise decisions, children may make decisions based on what an adult might do to (punishment) or for (reward) them.

Logical and Natural Consequences in the Montessori Environment.

Our goal as Montessori parents is to raise independent, productive citizens of the world. The purpose of defining and understanding natural and logical consequences is to motivate and allow children to make responsible decisions, not to force their submission.

Montessori Parenting: Logical and Natural Consequences

Natural consequences – children learn from the natural order of the physical world.

• Example: If you leave the gate open, the dog will likely run away.

Logical consequences – children learn from the reality of the social order.

• Example: If you accidently break a neighbor’s window, it still must be replaced, and you must use your own money (or work) to pay for it.

Setting up Consequences
Sonnie McFarland (Shining Mountains Press) suggests these steps when setting up a system based on natural and logical consequences.

• Discuss acceptable behavior prior to the event.
• Talk about what it will look like for the child to successfully manage the experience.
• Express confidence that the child can be successful.
• Talk about what the consequence will be if the child is not successful. (It must be related to the experience.)
• Get the child’s agreement.
• If the child is successful, express appreciation.
• If the child is not successful, calmly and firmly apply the consequence. (Do not nag or lecture!)
• Express confidence that the child will be successful the next time.

I felt sure I could employ these techniques to help my son develop self-discipline at the end of play dates. One day, when we were having a calm, peaceful afternoon, I brought up how his behavior at the end of play dates was inappropriate and if he had any thoughts on how make it a more enjoyable experience for everyone. We role-played what the end of a play date should like. We discussed logical consequences. He decided he shouldn’t have play dates for a while if he behaved inappropriately. I reminded him that he was going to have a play date the next day and I was sure that he could do this. We developed a mantra that went something like this:

Mom: And when it’s time go …
Son: There will be no fussing or crying


As we approached the front door the next day, we repeated our mantra together. When it was time to leave, my child looked at me, nodded, and politely helped clean up and thanked the mother for a lovely time. We were all pleasantly surprised!

When we got to the car, I told him how much I appreciated how peacefully and happily the play date had ended and that I was sure he could continue his behavior in the future. Our mantra worked well for the next several years, as a gentle reminder of expectations for behavior, and an unspoken reminder of consequences.